I am so happy to be able to finally say that I am pregnant. It’s been a long and painful journey to get to this point with 2 miscarriages and an operation. There have been lots of tears and some seriously dark days. I felt like giving up and as though I mentally couldn’t take the pain of another pregnancy failing.
I was exhausted by the constant anxiety and stress that each cycle would cause me, the build up to my period and the devastation seeing it arrive every month would bring. I hated myself, my body. Why wasn’t it working properly?
Knowing how desperately Blythe wanted to be a big sister made me feel even worse not only was I unable to create another life but I was also unable to give my little girl the one thing she really wanted a friend, a sibling. I felt like a failure as a wife, as a mother, as a woman.
I had really started to believe it may not happen for us and then not long after my operation I had a feeling I could be pregnant but I didn’t want to let myself believe it. I was desperate to do a pregnancy test but also terrified of the disappointment I thought would most likely follow. I finally built up the courage to do a test and after a painfully long 3 minutes I saw the positive result I had been so desperate for.
I burst into tears. I felt so overwhelmed with Joy but also fear. The most horrible sense of deja vu. A Positive test just didn’t really mean your ‘having a baby’ to me anymore. For me it indicated the start of a devastating rollercoaster of emotions ultimately ending in misery. I tried my best to be positive but my past experiences were nagging away at me.
The next few weeks passed by and I was pleased to feel lots of symptoms but still anxious. I booked an early scan which I had done with the previous 2 pregnancies. I went alone because Joe was away. I was terrified but there on the scan was a heartbeat. Everything looked perfect. I was over the moon but still couldn’t quite believe it was true.
A few weeks later I booked another scan this time for when Joe was home so that he could come. Again everything looked great, a strong heart beat and measuring accurately for my dates. As the weeks passed my symptoms increased. Morning sickness and utter exhaustion, as awful as they are were just what I wanted to feel. They gave me reassurance. My 12 week scan came around, which again I had to attend alone due to Joe being away. I felt so anxious sitting where I had sat only a few months ago in tears and just down the corridor from the ward I had been on for my operation.
Everything was fine, the baby was moving around like crazy, a strong heartbeat and measuring accurately. I can’t even put into words how happy I felt. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.
I hope that everything will continue well with this pregnancy and I’m so looking forward to being able to relax a little bit and enjoy being pregnant. I can’t wait to have a bump again and feel this baby kick for the first time.
Blythe is so happy to be a big sister I can’t wait to share this journey with her I know she will be amazing she was born to be a big sister.
I will do my best to document the good and the bad of my pregnancy, birth and after but I just wanted to thank you all the support and kindness you have shown me during this journey so far. I know so many of you have had similar experiences or are still struggling to conceive and I wish you all the best.