Miscarriage, is not a word I ever expected to associate with myself. I didn’t think I would ever experience a miscarriage. Of course I know plenty of people who have. My mum had a miscarriage before me and before Hattie but I still never thought it would happen to me. I’m young. I’m healthy. I knew miscarriage was common but I didn’t think I would be effected by it.
But sadly it did happen to me very recently.
I thought long and hard about sharing my experience and decided that I should share it.
We don’t really like to talk or think about miscarriage because when you find out your pregnant it’s the last thing you want to think about. It certainly never entered my head when I got a positive pregnancy test result. I’m not writing this post to scare people but I just want people who have gone through a misscarrige to know they are not alone and that talking about it is ok.
We were so excited, I had felt pregnant for a while before I missed my period. My senses were crazy and I felt nauseous and exhausted. I waited till my period was 5 days late to confirm with a pregnancy test. I began planning everything from how we would tell Blythe to which hospital I would give birth in. I had even downloaded the Babycentre pregnancy app and entered my details.
The bleeding started at around 6 weeks and I wasn’t actually too worried when I saw light spotting because I had heavy bleeding with Blythe and it all turned out fine. With Blythe I was told I had miscarried at around the same time but the pregnancy continued to be a healthy one. This was obviously very traumatic at the time and I didn’t expect it would happen again, but I knew that the sight of blood didn’t always mean a miscarriage.
This time the bleeding was different, every day that I saw blood I lost hope, the bleeding got heavier and I began to feel terrified. It’s the most horrible feeling that you have no control and can’t do anything to stop. I had an early pregnancy scan where they could see an empty sac with no baby and no heart beat. It was the most cruel dejavu because this was exactly what we initially saw on Blythe’s early scan. Deep down I didn’t feel as hopeful as I did then but I tried to remain positive that we would have the same result.
The bleeding continued for over a week getting heavier and eventually tailing off. I began to feel less pregnant and more miserable. I didn’t leave the house for a week and was an emotional wreck. Joe and my family were really supportive but there was nothing they could say to cheer me up and I felt that no-one understood what I was feeling.
I’m so desperate for another baby and I know I must remain positive, miscarriage, sadly is common and there is nothing to say I won’t go on to have a healthy pregnancy very soon. This experience has filled me with doubt and concern. It’s made me even more desperate then before to be pregnant again, but also terrified of how anxious I will be if I am. I had so hoped a second pregnancy would be different for me, that I would be calm and relaxed.
I’m trying really hard to concentrate on the positives and not focus on what could have been but look forward to what lies ahead.
I know there are many people who have it far worse and my heart absolutely breaks for anyone that has to experience this once let alone several times or is experiencing other fertility issues.
I hope that sharing my experience may be helpful to at least one person.
Sending my love to anyone who has or is experiencing something similar.